Friday 19 June 2020

LOSS

Loss - feeling lost to the Machiavellian machinations of my own head.

The ice cold abyss of depression which freezes to the core until I feel... nothing -~

Minutes lost in the hours, hours in the days, desperate to feel... something. 

The crazed ecstasy of mania which burns so bright until I feel... too too much -~

Deluded choices with ramifications I’ll only know later when they arrive as such. 

The ricochet of voices with no corporeal form that haunt me hour upon hour -~

Making the day and the night desperately lonely and so vitriolically sour. 

When I forget to remember; that social engagement, the appointment, how to make tea -~

My executive functioning so buggered it angers others despite my clemency plea.

Loss are the weeks in hospital, the zombie months of high medication not right for me -~

Loss are the times I fall victim to the full throes of my illness, yearning to be free.

But through loss I have fought, myself I have taught -~

A deeper understanding, and with it compassion -~

In order to be free, or at least in a fashion. 

To aid myself in, not in taming the beast -~

But keeping it on some kind of leash, at least.

In loss I have also gained, I can see more of you I can see more of me. 

So that whilst we are cursed we can see that we’re blessed too, you see. 

I am not ‘bipolar’. I am not ‘disordered’, just reordered, nor am I ‘schizo’.

Yes I have bipolar schizoaffective disorder, but is that all of me? No.

For the losses I’ve known or will endure ~~
                                                                      I will find triumphs, of that I am sure. 

Thursday 4 June 2020

Well Hello World!

It’s been some six years since I last wrote on this blog. Today I do so as a mental health advocate, as I’m a media volunteer and champion with Time To Change, the charity that works to break down the walls of prejudice and stigma. Which is exactly why I believe it's important to talk about mental health - to help educate and enlighten. 

So, me. I’m the card-carrying flag-waving cannon-blasting bipolar schizoaffective disorder boy as some of you know, and I have to say I’m doing pretty damned well. No delusions that I can fly or run faster than a train (been there), no voices frequently tormenting me to the point of yearning my own extinction (they do arise), no sinking into an icy abyss of depression where all one feels is nothing. Yes, ok, I do still have periods of extremity to battle, endure, but thankfully nothing lasting, colouring my life with mortal danger or monumental despair, so if I falter I bounce back pretty sharpish. True, my executive functioning leaves a lot to be desired (please google ‘executive functioning’ if you’re not familiar with the term, as we all operate with it) and this can be the cause of countless headaches. Illogical emotional reactions or indeed eruptions still come to me on a fairly frequent basis, but to the best of my best ability I remain, to quote a favoured poem, master of my fate and captain of my soul.



Now I wouldn’t say I have the bipolar beast tamed; it’s too ferocious for that. But I think I’ve at least got it on a reasonably firm leash. I educate myself continuously through reading, writing and self study (to know thyself is undoubtedly the best ethos of all) which in turn empowers me. I also have amazing family and friends. It was around five years ago now, after a particularly dark episode, that I decided to be completely transparent in regards to my own journey, and doing so has been nothing but positive. It has given me strength and brought new friendships. When you stand up tall, even when full of doubt, you actually, if I may be so bold, shine a light onto others, showing them that they too can do the same. Energy breeds energy. 

With that in mind, if I could offer some advice to anyone in the grips of mental illness or poor mental health it would be this. 
  1. Never feel shame or guilt. Though it is not always plain sailing and you will hit tumultuous waters, remember it was the storm that came to, you are not to blame. You didn’t choose this, and though it plagues you it is not the whole sum of who you are. You are unique and unrepeatable, a mass of intricate complexity that cannot be quantified simply by a label, don’t do that to yourself and don’t let others do it to you either. 
  1. Talk. Talk to those who love you and want to help. Talk to the professionals who have the same aim. Be open, be honest, let your voice be heard. Expressing ourselves is so important - it can bring forward a better understanding and more compassion, and ensure you’re receiving the best possible treatment. It may also, as it has done me through my writing, serve to bring you greater clarity and awareness. 

  1. Take your medications, they’re there to aid you in aiding yourself. That said, don’t be shy in speaking out if you don’t think they’re right, having them tweaked or maybe trying something new - it took me a fair few years to find something close to an ideal regime. At one point in my life, I was virtually the walking dead for the few hours I was awake; I’d wish that on no-one. So know what you’re taking and why you are taking it, take a little time for study. 

  1. Educate yourself. For example, I have bipolar schizoaffective disorder, and my reading has not ended regarding the books and the websites I’ve digested to guide me to a better way of seeing and, hopefully, being. I also write which I know is not for everyone but if you can, do; it has proved to be an incredibly insightful ally to me. 

  1. Be kind to yourself. 

  1. Be kind to yourself. 

  1. Be kind to yourself.